Siblings Reunited Through Adoption

The sad reality for many siblings living in foster care is that they will likely be separated due to the availability of space in foster homes, behavioral needs, and other factors. This is what happened to Mathias and his little sister, Janelle. 

Mathias and Janelle were young when they entered the foster care system and spent years moving from foster home to foster home. The siblings were separated most of the time, living in different homes, sometimes even in different counties. 

Blending Two Families 

Kristen and Alex knew they wanted to be parents. When faced with infertility, they began talking about adoption. They knew there was a greater need for families to adopt children in foster care, and they thought older children would be a better fit for their active lifestyle than an infant. 

The couple quickly realized that they were interested in adopting siblings. They both grew up with siblings with whom they have meaningful relationships, and they had the space and capacity to care for more than one child. They wanted to truly blend two families together. 

During their first meeting with Boys & Girls Aid, their adoption clinician mentioned Mathias and Janelle, and Kristen and Alex were immediately interested. The couple became certified and entered the matching process. Kristen and Alex were attending a training session at Boys & Girls Aid when they got the call that they had been matched with Mathias and Janelle. 

Rediscovering the Sibling Bond 

As the family of four began their new life together, Kristen and Alex learned a lot about their two children, not only as individuals, but also as siblings. 

In the beginning, both children put on a brave face during a time that was confusing for them. They were both very charming toward their new parents. 

“Foster care taught Janelle some survival techniques of ‘be cute, be passive, don’t have an opinion,’” Kristen said. 

Janelle was fun and outgoing, but she was also very observant and would ask a lot of questions. She could get dysregulated when she didn't know what to expect. For example, the family would have to take the same routes to and from school each day or she would become worried.

Mathias didn’t seek as much engagement with his new parents as his sister did. He would play a lot of video games and watch YouTube, but he always liked to do so in the same room as his family. He was used to using screens as a way to disassociate and to get attention from Janelle, who would often watch him play games. He wouldn’t ask many questions but was always listening when Janelle did. He would be resistant to activities, always saying he thought it was “dumb.”

After spending most of their lives apart, Mathias and Janelle weren’t used to their new dynamic. Kristen and Alex took that first summer off work to get to know the kids. They went to the pool, went hiking, and played a lot of Uno together. 

“The first year they were with us, it was a lot of them trying to find value in having a sibling,” Alex said. 

Once the kids realized that having a sibling meant having someone to play with, they started to engage more. However, they were picking up from where they left off the last time they were together, which was when Matthias was four and Janelle was one. Although they were several years older now, they played together more like toddlers would. 

The Challenges of Adoption

“Adoption can be very traumatic,” Alex said. “They mourn the loss of multiple different families that they’ve had in the past.” 

The children not only miss the foster families with whom they had recently been living, but also their biological mother. Recently, Janelle was sad and didn’t want to tell Kristen why. As it turned out, she was really missing her biological mother, but didn’t want to hurt Kristen’s feelings by telling her that. Kristen let her know that it's okay to miss her biological mother and still love her at the same time. 

In addition to their grief, the children have both also experienced significant trauma in their lives, which they express in different ways. This can be difficult to circumvent, as solutions proposed for one child may affect the other child. 

“Some things that one kid does are deeply dysregulating to the other kid,” Kristen said.  

For example, Mathias may break things when he’s dysregulated. One professional recommended the family give him a designated area with things he could break in those moments. However, this destructive behavior is upsetting to Janelle, who remembers a time when Mathias broke something in a foster home they were in together, which resulted in both children getting moved and placed in separate homes. 

“There’s this push and pull of needing to help the kids vent and get what their body needs, but without sacrificing the wellbeing of the other,” Kristen said. 

The Power of Permanency 

The start of the second school year since Mathias and Janelle joined the family was a breakthrough moment. For the first time, the children were going back to the same school, with their same friends. This was huge for them. 

When they were in foster care, Mathias and Janelle really had no concept of the past or the future because their lives were in a state of constant change, and they had to live in the here and now. Now, they’re going to the same school each year, experiencing the same holiday traditions each year, and finding out that they can grow, both physically and emotionally, while staying in the same place. 

Kristen said one of the best things they’ve ever bought was a digital photo frame. This way, the kids can see photos of their adventures and memories, which helps them understand how long they’ve been here and that this is their home forever. 

Mathias and Janelle finally feel safe enough to learn.  

“Mathias jumped two or three grade levels [in reading] in a summer, and I think most of that is just the power of permanency,” Alex said. 

Both kids continue to be charming, funny, social, and have a newfound love for sports, something they couldn’t participate in while in foster care. Mathias is creative and loves Legos and making things out of clay. Janelle enjoys writing and has been making her own books by stapling paper together. She’s still very observant and is always complimenting people. 

For those embarking on the journey of foster care adoption, Kristen and Alex recommend checking in with your partner every day to review how the day went – what went well, what could be worked on, etc. They said to give each other honest feedback, and always trust your gut about what’s right for your kids. 

If you’re interested in foster care adoption, learn more at boysandgirlsaid.org/fostercareadoption.